Artistic Licence
by Basement Cat89
Summary: Varric discovers that everybody's a critic.


Artistic Licence

_The Inquisitor grasped Sera's supple breasts in her powerful hands and gave them a mighty squeeze. The blonde Elf moaned helplessly in rapture under her lover's assault. "Oh yes! Take me! Make me yours!" Sera cried out in delight as the Inquisitor pinched the protruding rose buds on her chest. "Oh, I will, my sweet. Now let me have a taste of your sweet nectar" Lavellan said as she went down on her knees until her eyes were level with Sera's garden of pleasure._

_She tore the other Elf's leggings off and savagely attacked the swollen mound of flesh with her teeth, causing Sera to writhe in ecstasy._

"What the Fade? Her teeth? Varric, that shit would hurt!" Sera exclaimed indignantly as she slammed the page she was reading on the table. "And what's up with the flowery words? _Protruding rose buds_? Really?" Lavellan added incredulously. Varric sighed. "Ladies, it's called artistic licence. Nobody wants to read a story about people fumbling in the dark or that it smells bad down there or anything like that." Varric explained patiently. The two Elven women exchanged a look and simultaneously broke into a wide grin.

"So you're saying that it's ok to write nonsense as long as it sounds good?" Lavellan inquired. "And that people you know are fair game?" Sera added, an impish light glowing in her eyes. Varric gave them an uneasy look. "Oh no. I know what you're thinking. It's a bad idea to write about the Seeker. She's very _cutting _in her criticism" he warned.

Lavellan's grin widened. "Who said anything about the Seeker?" she asked as she took a blank piece of paper. "Ooh, how should we start?" Sera said eagerly, fetching a quill and ink well from a nearby cupboard. "Let me think… Ah yes! I got it!" Lavellan exclaimed as she put pen to paper.

"_Oh Bianca, you are the only one who understands me" the surface Dwarf lamented as he rubbed his mighty shaft against the crossbow's cocking mechanism._

"Hey! Don't use Bianca like that! She's a Lady, I'll have you know!" Varric complained, but he was ignored. Sera snorted as Lavellan continued writing.

_Varric could feel himself getting lost In a sensuous sea of sensation as he continued the stroking motion. "Oooh, Bianca! You're so good!" he moaned._

"That's a terrible use of alliteration and you know it!" Varric grumbled, but once again he was ignored.

_Finally, after one last thrust against the trigger, Bianca and Varric both spilled their load. Unfortunately Bianca's payload was considerably more deadly, and the bolt impaled an unfortunate guard who had wandered into the room._

"That's kinda dark, Sera" Lavellan commented. "Hey, don't smother my creativity!" Sera scolded as she resumed writing. "Actually I thought it was pretty funny" Varric admitted while still hoping the two would stop their desecration of Bianca.

"Let's write about Varric and Iron Bull!" Sera exclaimed, reaching for another piece of paper. "No! Varric with Vivienne!" Lavellan suggested eagerly. Varric could feel his soul being crushed slowly at the thought. 'Ancestors, if _she _finds it' he thought with dread.

"No wait! I've got it! Varric with _Cassandra_!" Sera shouted as she and Lavellan dissolved into giggles and got to writing. Varric just wished for the ground to open and swallow him. He'd rather brave the Deep Roads than the Seeker if she found a dirty story involving him and her.

"What about Varric and me?" the lady in question called from the doorway. The three had been so absorbed in their nonsense that they had not noticed her entering the room.

"Run away!" Sera yelled and the three of them bolted out of the room, jostling Cassandra on the way out. They ran out to the courtyard and hid by the stables. "Whew, that was close" Lavellan gasped as she caught her breath. "Well, the good news is she didn't follow us" Varric said slowly, color draining from his face as though he had come to a sudden realization. "What's the bad news?" Sera asked, still panting.

"We left the papers in the bar" he said, exchanging a look with the two Elves.

"Oh Creators, this is bad" Lavellan said.

"Really bad" Varric concurred.

"She's gonna kill us, ain't she?" Sera added as an outraged shout rose from the castle.

"Probably" the Inquisitor and the Dwarf said at the same time.


End file.
